Remembering....

I have not long heard the very sad news about Amanda Holden and the loss of her baby. According to news reports the Britain's Got Talent Judge, who was seven months pregnant, went to Hospital in London on Tuesday when she noticed the baby had stopped moving. Despite the best efforts of doctors, the baby boy was stillborn.

I admit I was very upset when I read this, and my thoughts were not only with Amanda, and what she and her husband Chris must be going through, but also very much made me think about my own experience of loosing a baby late on in pregnancy. I thought of my special little man, who I crave every single day of my life for just one more cuddle. Those early days after the loss of my baby, were quite surreal. It was like I was floating around, not really with it. We had a funeral to sort. I went with my husband to various places we thought may be appropriate for a special little get together to remember Joshua, and this whilst milk meant for him, my darling tiny son who I was burying,  was literally pouring out of me, like tears. The hospital offered me the choice of taking some medication to stop my milk coming in, but in my thinking I wanted to feel close to him and wanted proof that yes, I had had a baby, he was not with me, but he had existed, and was a very real person who was created out of love and the hope of a wonderful future for him. It was a long long time till his milk went, like him I didn't want to let it go.

I would never dream of telling Amanda and Chris how to cope, what to feel. We all react very differently, and we must do what works for us. It helps me to talk about my experience, get my feelings out. Does this mean I haven't got over it. Well for the record, I shall never get over it, never forget, possibly like Amanda won't. Of course, things DO get easier and I had so much love and support from people around me, who for just a little while carried me along whilst I got emotionally stronger and I know in my heart although is sad my baby is not with me, I am happy I experienced carrying him and giving birth to him. I don't know exactly what Amanda Holden is going through, but do know that when you lose a baby, one unwittingly joins this club of women who only each other knows what it is like, and the pain it brings. Of course the fathers too should never be forgotten about in all of this. Sometimes women and men talk about their experience, sometimes they don't. No right no wrong.

For me I had wonderful support from Sands  They have a very moving and gentle book, called A Star for Bobby aimed at brothers and sisters in the family and has a special place in Miss. Poppins' bookshelves. Sometimes, we feel like we want a little read of it, and are always touched by the story. In my next pregnancy the best information and advice I could hope for was from Tommy's and I went on to have my own special hero, Master Poppins, born at 29 weeks. It was not an easy ride, but he fought all the way and is the most charming and wonderful little four year old, who my love for grows stronger and stronger all the time.

So my heart goes out to Amanda and her family, I do think it must be quite hard going through this in the glare of the public eye, but she shall have so much support and love of all those around her.


* Thank you so much for your heartfelt comments on this post, I have been very touched and moved by them *
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