Whatever life throws at me I take great comfort and always feel blessed when I spy this pretty note card on my pin board. It seems to sum up in words how I am feeling and reminds me how precious life is, and to indeed keep smiling. I am not going to feel ashamed or embarrassed to admit that having lost our very precious premature baby Joshua in 2005, I shall always carry a little sadness inside me. I can't help it. I feel I totally failed on that one, producing my son that didn't live makes me feel like myself and my pathetic body totally let him down. I've done the bereavement counselling, I understand the thought process one goes through when suffering loss, I know these things happen. But I guess it just doesn't seem fair that my little baby boy didn't even get a go at life, not even for a day or so....
It is coming up to his 7th anniversary on the 12th June and I am aware of my emotions leading up to it, always a little wobbly, tearful, thoughtful and then the day itself is actually a lovely day where we simply take time to remember him. We have a special tea with cake and is a happy day with lots of cuddles and love. The thoughtful cards that arrived helped my tears, though I more than anyone understand that life goes on, and although that date is etched in my memory, it is not in everyone else's and I wouldn't expect it to be. I have one friend who has also suffered loss similar to mine, and no matter what is going on in our lives that card she sends every year lifts my spirits and does wonders. The power of people thinking about you when you are in need is a great healer and when ever any of my friends are going through the mill, I know from experience how a little thought sent their way can do so much....
Life can throw many a hurdle at us to get over and I think it is how we handle these hurdles that makes us the person we are. I truly stick to my belief that loosing my son is not a hurdle I want to get over, but a hurdle to accept, for it to become a part of me, making me the person I am today. I doubt very much if I hadn't gone through loss of this kind I would be so appreciative and grateful of those around me. I am not perfect and occasionally I forget this, but mostly I don't and can see the true value of thinking of others and being thought about. If like sometimes happens in life, I have silly fall outs with people I try my best to sort it out, to be friends again, as life is just too short. I realise how lucky we are, that even though I didn't get to keep one child I have been blessed with two others and who I probably hug just a little tighter for having them in my life. In reality I am a better person for having had Joshua in my life, perhaps it was just as many say, meant to be....
Maybe having him was a message sent from above to help me learn to be grateful, to love, to face challenging times. Having had Joshua has taught me precious things and even though he was with us for such a short time, he has touched so many hearts. Tears have come so easily writing this post though they are not all sad tears for I am so proud of my little baby boy and how clever he is teaching me valuable lessons in life. Although I wish I could have held him for just a little bit longer, to have had just a glimpse of his beautiful eyes wide open, I know his memory shall live on and he shall be remembered forever....
You sound like the sort of person I would be honoured to have as a friend.You have experienced the most devastating loss..I can't even begin to imagine the pain of this.
ReplyDeleteI hope when the anniversary comes round,you will feel Joshua closer to you than ever,and that one day you will be re-united with your precious boy. Big hugs X
Bellasboo your thoughtful words have lifted my spirits more than you shall ever know or I can explain. Thank you, and your hug has been felt as though you are right here with your arms around me. xxxx
ReplyDeleteMade me cry a little too, Mary lovey. No-one deserves to have that sort of pain in their lives, but I know that you're a strong enough woman to get the best possible outcome from the worst possible situation xx
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Sarah :) Thanks for the cyber hug and cake/biscuit too! Seems strange for us, who knew each other as children to now see how our lives have developed. I am so grateful we found each other again :) Big quishy *PMA* hugs to you lovely lady! x
DeleteI understand the the feeling of emptiness and loss in your heart. I have suffered many miscarriages. There are times when I am overwhelmed by sadness. But life goes on and while there is no way to fully understand, we must find ways to cope and to bring happiness to the lives of others.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts will be with you on June 12.
Susan and Bentley
Oh thank you so much for sharing with me, I think you are right life does indeed go on, and everything shall be alright. For me, I guess it just kind of goes on in a slightly different way and I do believe he was sent to me for that short time to teach me many valuable lessons. Love to you xx
DeleteI have been following your blog for a quit some time now. I think it is the third time for me reading about how much pain this day causes you. Somehow though the tone of your post this year is different. And I mean that in the most positive way. It is very hard for me to describe it. I wouldn't call it acceptance, maybe maturity? Or maybe I am just bonkers? OK OK I am bonkers!
ReplyDeleteI am giving a big virtual hug all the way across the channel though!
Bye,
Marianne.
Ah Marianne not bonkers at all!! I would have worded your thoughts just as that. Not sure if it is maturity though ( shall always be a big kid ;) Yes, I think acceptance may be it, I am still allowing myself to be sad, but I think the happiness at having had him come into my life for that short time is actually beginning to outweigh the sadness. I was lucky to have him as he has taught me many things. I can sense that acceptance much more this year. Time is indeed a great healer. Big squishy hugs all the way across the channel to you too xxxx
DeleteOoph, I am relieved. I considered to remove my comment, but I realized it was mailed to you already.
DeleteYou are a strong woman, Mary! Your children (Joshua included ofcause) are lucky that you are their mom.
Mary as always I will be thinking of you on the day that you know I share with Joshua. I agree with marianne, your tone in this post seems much more at peace and I hope you are xxxx
ReplyDeleteAwwww Gem how very apt you have commented as I cannot think of this day without thinking of you too. Infact I was walking along the other day, thinking about your engagement ( Is it strange to think of bloggers lives in my real life daily goings on, eeek hope not ;) I remembered as I have done before that your birthday is on the 12th too. I have actually put my derrière in gear this year and have something to send, wanted to especially with the engagement and all, though don't want to send without your say so. Definitely right on that score, much, much more at peace and the smiles are far outweighing the tears when I think of him :) x
DeleteOh Mary you are too kind! You needn't send anything but you are very welcome to! Sorry I didn't get back to you on IG about a swap, I would love to but feel I wouldn't be able to dedicate the time to it and my crafty mojo has disappeared on me lately!
DeleteSo pleased to hear your happy tone when talking about Joshua xxx
Bless you lovely Mary! You inspire me with your strength and yet still allowing your vulnerability and ability to love and remember Joshua with joy despite the pain. I hope that the memories of Joshua will continue to provide you with the joy despite the bittersweet nature of them (sorry, not put very succinctly, I struggle to talk about emotions very coherently)
ReplyDelete