Keep Smiling And Love Life

Whatever life throws at me I take great comfort and always feel blessed when I spy this pretty note card on my pin board. It seems to sum up in words how I am feeling and reminds me how precious life is, and to indeed keep smiling. I am not going to feel ashamed or embarrassed to admit that having lost our very precious premature baby Joshua in 2005, I shall always carry a little sadness inside me. I can't help it. I feel I totally failed on that one, producing my son that didn't live makes me feel like myself and my pathetic body totally let him down. I've done the bereavement counselling, I understand the thought process one goes through when suffering loss, I know these things happen. But I guess it just doesn't seem fair that my little baby boy didn't even get a go at life, not even for a day or so....   

It is coming up to his 7th anniversary on the 12th June and I am aware of my emotions leading up to it, always a little wobbly, tearful, thoughtful and then the day itself is actually a lovely day where we simply take time to remember him. We have a special tea with cake and is a happy day with lots of cuddles and love. The thoughtful cards that arrived helped my tears, though I more than anyone understand that life goes on, and although that date is etched in my memory, it is not in everyone else's and I wouldn't expect it to be. I have one friend who has also suffered loss similar to mine, and no matter what is going on in our lives that card she sends every year lifts my spirits and does wonders. The power of people thinking about you when you are in need is a great healer and when ever any of my friends are going through the mill, I know from experience how a little thought sent their way can do so much....

Life can throw many a hurdle at us to get over and I think it is how we handle these hurdles that makes us the person we are. I truly stick to my belief that loosing my son is not a hurdle I want to get over, but a hurdle to accept, for it to become a part of me, making me the person I am today. I doubt very much if I hadn't gone through loss of this kind I would be so appreciative and grateful of those around me. I am not perfect and occasionally I forget this, but mostly I don't and can see the true value of thinking of others and being thought about. If like sometimes happens in life, I have silly fall outs with people I try my best to sort it out, to be friends again, as life is just too short. I realise how lucky we are, that even though I didn't get to keep one child I have been blessed with two others and who I probably hug just a little tighter for having them in my life. In reality I am a better person for having had Joshua in my life, perhaps it was just as many say, meant to be....

Maybe having him was a message sent from above to help me learn to be grateful, to love, to face challenging times. Having had Joshua has taught me precious things and even though he was with us for such a short time, he has touched so many hearts. Tears have come so easily writing this post though they are not all sad tears for I am so proud of my little baby boy and how clever he is teaching me valuable lessons in life. Although I wish I could have held him for just a little bit longer, to have had just a glimpse of his beautiful  eyes wide open, I know his memory shall live on and he shall be remembered forever.... 

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Thoughts At Easter

Of course they would be happy with just an egg, but I love to pop a little extra treat or two in their Easter bags. Being a savvy bargain hunter I don't spend too much, and I know Master Poppins shall loves his £3.50 ( George at Asda ) Ben10 dressing gown that I found in the sale, and only £5 for Miss Poppins' pretty summer dress ( George at Asda) The Hannah Montana gift bags were only 29p ( Home Bargains ) hopefully Master Popps won't mind too much ;)

As well as popping little notepads and activity books in which shall keep them busy little bees, I have written special little poems for them to let them know how much I love them and can't wait to see their little faces. We told them that we hoped they didn't mind too much, but the shops had all sold out of Easter eggs this year and that unfortunately they shall have to do without. I am so proud of them, they just said "Oh well, never mind, hopefully we shall get one next year". Luckily my family understand and *get* my sense of humour and we shall all have a little giggle when they are handed their little bags on Easter sunday....

 I am feeling a little low at the moment, very thoughtful and spiritually a little wobbly on my feet. I have lost my confidence in life somewhat, although outwardly I may come across as a confident and vivacious individual, inside am feeling quite fragile I guess. I know that confident person is in there, but I think she has decided to have a little holiday, I do hope she comes back one day. It is coming to that time of year where thoughts of Joshua come to the forefront of our minds, he would have been 7 this year and as always I miss him dearly. Of course life goes on, and I am so thankful he came into my life for such a very short time....Having him has taught me so many positive things, like gratitude, love and caring towards others. I am not perfect and sometimes say things in the heat of the moment before I think but generally I do my very best to be kind and gracious to others. You really don't know what trials people are dealing with in life that they perhaps keep hidden to themselves. I do try to take heed of this quote....

So, I just wanted to wish you a very happy and fun-filled Easter, may you be spending it with the ones you love and don't eat all those eggs at once ;)

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Grandparents...

Whilst making a couple of personalised items for someone today, it got me a little emotional. As the time approaches to a certain someone's anniversary I always get wobbly about this time of year, thoughts turn to what could have been, the empty chair at the family table. Anyway as my emotions are a little heightened somewhat already, I couldn't help but ponder over the fact I have never known my grandparents on either side of my family.... 

I would  loved to have made something like this for my own grandmother and always convey to the Poppins children how very special the two grandparents they have are and to always be kind to them. Having never experienced a Grandparent/Granddaughter relationship myself, it is lovely for me too see such a special relationship between them and my own children. We make our own way in life, although I do think me not having had a relationship with a grandparent I know or remember is something that makes me sad. Though such is life and onwards we go hoping to make the best of it. I would be interested to know about your grandparent relationships, does it make a difference to your life? Like me, have any of you not had or remember a grandparent role in your life, has it effected you in any way? I remember when I was little, maybe 6 or 7, I used to daydream of going to see *Granny* with her little crochet blanket on her lap, and she would drink tea in a proper china cup and we would talk about *Granny Stuff*. I was lucky though, as many of my friends at that time let me share their very own Granny, which gave me a little taster as to how special that Grandparent relationship can truly be....

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Crying....

Something I experienced the other day made me want to write this post and see if I could get anyone elses thoughts on the subject. I was waiting at a busy train station sitting down on the platform bench, and whilst getting myself settled, finding tickets etc, I heard this sobbing, loud, really loud sobbing. I looked around for a baby, or young child and then it dawned on me. The young and very attractive lady sitting next to me was crying her eyes out. Blowing her nose, the works, she was on her own, bags next to her, and to be honest I just didn't know what to do....Well, actually I knew what to do, I held out my hand, held onto hers gently, and with tears already forming in my eyes, I asked her if she was alright. I could tell she was grateful to have somebody reach out and feel her pain, whatever that was, just a little tiny bit.

 Just like seeing someone be sick, that kind of makes me feel a little queezy too, seeing someone cry with such sadness makes me feel sad too. One thing I am very proud of is my sensitivity, yes it can be taken advantage of, but mostly, it more than anything makes me aware of how other people may be feeling, some people in life just go through it saying what they want, about who they want and with no consideration to thoughts and feelings. Because how I feel inside can be so intense at times, I truly believe I am more in tune with other peoples feelings, well I hope so anyway. The lady replied that she was alright, and just looked at me with a little thank you in her eyes, and I gave a little smile and went back to my bag sorting. Of course she could have been leaving loved ones behind, I suppose at train stations many a tear falls down ones cheeks, but I don't know, her crying was just so intense. I shall never know what made her cry that day. The train came, we both got on, went to different carriages, and onwards both our lives went....

 So, what I began wondering is, if you felt those tears come in a public place, near strangers, people who didn't know you, would you let them fall....Sometimes tears just come ( very easily for me as it happens ) I personally think crying is a strength, and not a weakness, not a sign of a poor fractured soul, who needs to snap out of it. In my method training of acting, I could think sad thoughts and be crying before you knew it, but real life is different, the tears are real, there are real thoughts and feelings behind them. But if there was nowhere to hide and you felt the need to have a good cry there and then, would you? And let anyone who felt they wanted to, reach out to you. Also, what would you do if you saw someone cry, like I did, I guess some people just want to be left alone to cry in public and not be bothered, but for me, I just couldn't help but reach out to that young lady on the platform. Though would you look the other way, hold out a hand, want to reach out perhaps, but something holds you back?

For the record, and which may not come as a surprise, I have cried in public....

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We Love You Grandma....

It seems so trite to be blogging, but my blog has, and always shall be my place to write my thoughts and feelings. I am normally a woman of more than many a word, but the words just don't seem to be able to fall from my mouth so I shall leave it to others to help me....

"Life is but a stopping place, A pause in what's to be,
A resting place along the road, to sweet eternity.

We all have different journeys, Different paths along the way,
We all were meant to learn some things, but never meant to stay....

Our destination is a place, Far greater than we know.
For some the journey's quicker, For some the journey's slow.
And when the journey finally ends, We'll claim a great reward,
And find an everlasting peace, Together with the lord."

God bless to a very lovely and dear to me lady, a loving wife, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. My darling husband's precious mum who meant so very much to everyone who knew her, and who God decided was just too precious and wanted her near.

Always remembered, never forgotton and who shall live on in our hearts of everyone who knew and loved her forever.

We all love you so very much.
My dear little Poppins' miss you so very, very much, but they know you are at peace and being well looked after, sleep tight....

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Emotions....

Sometimes when you have thoughts and feelings trying to escape, you just have to let them run free.

I don't know what it is.... maybe it is the film Marley & Me that I watched last night that's making me a little emotional. Though I think it is perhaps the thoughts of Master Poppins having to stay on in reception just a little longer next term. I just think of him queing up in the reception line again and being his Mummy, it just makes me a little emotional. I am so lucky to have him here, 11 weeks early, and a long time in hospital when he was born. He is still only 4, and a young one at that....

Maybe it is my fault, I do mollycoddle him, I can't help it, my love for him is just so intense I cannot even put it into words. I know it is just going to be for a term, maybe a little longer, and I of course know it shall be in his best interests, he shall have double the friends, and he shall catch up, but I can't help get a little emotional about it.

I am so proud of how far he has come....

His quirky sense of style and personality is just adorable....

More than anything in the world I am proud of his achievements, but the achievement I am most proud of, is his fighting for his own life. He is my little fighter, who was resuscitated 3 times at birth and went from strength to strength. I should probably be more concerned with his schooling, his academic progress, his grades, but I am just happy he is here, that he is a socially happy and healthy little boy. Shouldn't that be enough. Miss Poppins sails through school, is on the YGT register, loves to learn, enjoys school and although I don't want to map her life out, I know she shall do well in anything she does, and I am so proud of her, I really don't know where she gets her brains from. Master P however I feel shall have to work that little bit harder. I guess what I am waking up to, is that you can actually have two children born of the same parents and who are, and can be, quite very different in many aspects. We just have to go with it, and adapt to their differing needs.

So, he SHALL be alright, he won't be made fun of, and I think, maybe just maybe, I shall be alright too....

Thanks for listening

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Say A little Prayer....

New year, new start and all that....

All I want this year to start with is good health to everyone in my family. My husbands mum has yet again been admitted to hospital with breathing problems, and now she has MRSA. Everyone is thinking of her and she is now on the antibiotics to treat the MRSA, though we are all hoping and praying she finds the strength to fight it and gets home soon. I don't know too much about the effects of MRSA, though perhaps that is a good thing, I am not the best of people to be googling health conditions etc. though know it can make people feel very, very poorly. My prayers are with you lovely mother in law.

It really does put life into perspective when ill health comes along for a visit, also emotionally I think of my husband and the children. What may be going through my husband's mind, especially, what he is thinking. I am so the talker of the family, but we are all different aren't we and although my husband I would say is very much in touch with his emotions, sometimes I would like to dig a little deeper and find out how he really feels. I can't help myself.

So, get well soon Ma, hope you are getting the treatment, care and attention you deserve and that the family are all around the dinner table very soon, laughing and joking whilst listening to silly jokes, not mine of course ;0) Before I go to bed I shall say a little prayer for your speedy recovery....

Wishing you all more than anything, a healthy, and a very happy 2011.

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Coming To Find You, Ready Or Not....

Ohooo dear I have been here before, and each time I come back again, the feeling grows stronger and stronger. I am not attention seeking, I am not looking for pleeease dont go's and a million comments. I am feeling impulsive. I am hovering over that delete blog button. Have I come to the end of my blog road. Or actually, is the fact that after nearly two years of blogging, and I feel like I am really only at the beginning of my life journey, have I got so much more to give. Have you ever hovered.

I need a kick up the you know whatsit to make me stop feeling so sorry for myself. I feel like my life is like the waltzers, going round, and round, and round, yet I am never really achieving anything. Mondays to Sunday's all merge into one.

Yes, having my family is the greatest gift I have been given, but where am I in all of this. The actress, the air-hostess, the worker, the wage earner, the social lover of parties, high heeling mini skirt wearing lady I kinda loved and knew so well. The lipstick, the nails, the parties are no more. Has she gone never to return. Should I accept who I have become. Is 36 too old to get back on that ladder....

 I am bored, is it so wrong to admit that being only a mummy is making me feel insecure. I need more to make me feel worthwhile, more than a lovely kiss on the forehead every morning and I love yous from the husband.

*sigh* what I need to do is get off here and do something about finding me again. Though if I am honest, I am scared that I wont find her....

If you happen to have a cold, wet fish in your hand, would you kindly and promptly slap me with it, thank you....

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Life Is The Greatest Joy Of All....

What can I say, I am truly, truly grateful to each and every one of you for leaving me your special comments. What has been so nice too, is meeting some new blogger friends as well, thank you for accepting me into the *fold* as it were. I spent some time thanking you all personally on your blogs, so please know that your comment meant so much to me. Here are some flowers to thank you all....

So, where do we go from here. I know there are some blogs right now, like me, thinking about the slotting in business and where ones blog fits in, in the blogosphere. Well for now, I shall do what I do, write, take pretty photographs, talk about my family, my crafts and all things inbetween. Hey, maybe I could make up my own category of blog, The Inbetweeny blog category, would you tick the box for that one ;0)

It seems very apt after my previous post, to submit my photograph to The Gallery where every week a  prompt, an idea, or notion is given and one has to post a photograph that one feels represents that prompt. This weeks prompt is Joy .

May I first share a little of my life with you, would that be alright. Helps to build a story around why this photograph means so much. 
 
When I lost my baby, like otrhers who have been in the same boat I really did want to get pregnant again. Of course in hind site, I understand my thought process. I wanted my baby back, desperately, and by filling my womb again, he would be back there with me somehow. Bizarre, I know. When I was physically, and emotionally ready to try again for another baby. We did. We struck lucky and within 8 months of loosing Joshua, on Valentine's day 2006 I found out I was pregnant. Did I smile, a little, did I cry, yes. I was a little scared, what had I done, this was not going to be an easy ride, I knew it....
 
Straight away I was seen by my super, super consultant, and was popped on the high risk pregnancy category. I had a scan at 6 weeks where options were discussed, and it was felt that my first goal was to get past 14 weeks. I did, but not without maybe 10 appointments at the EPAU. I bled, twice was admitted thinking I was having a miscarriage. Yet, there he was, my little man, at 14 weeks with a strong heart beat and safe and well. Now, my next goal was 20 weeks, I say this in weeks but really for me it was days, every day I thought I was going to loose him. I can say it now, but I never tuly bonded with my baby whilst I was pregnant with him. I was too scared too. My pregnancy was not too good, I was in and out of my local hospital more times than I can remember, I was given twice, sometimes once, weekly cervical scans aswell as the normal scans to see how my cervix was behaving. 20 odd scans later, I got to 24 weeks, and all seemed well.
 
My consultant was happy to not see me for a while. This didn't sit comfortably with me. Mother's intuition maybe. When I was pregnant with Joshua I knew I would never be bringing him home with me, I knew it. Yet I  had no reason to think it, as Miss. Poppins had been born at 38 weeks. Anyway I asked my consultant for a cervical scan in two weeks time, and of course for my peace of mind, he agreed. Thank god he did. My baby was ready to come at 26 weeks. As soon as he examined my cervix at 26 weeks, I could tell by the look on his face. So I was then popped off to theatre where they put an emergency stitch in my womb to keep him in there as long as possible, ideally 37 weeks.
 
He was a good boy and did do his best, and managed 3 very important weeks with me. At 29 weeks I went into labour. I was taken by ambulance to a hospital that had the facilities to cope with such a premature baby. When I got to the hospital, things settled and my darling husband was sent home. Big mistake, as after he had gone baby was on his way. He literally had stepped through the front door of our home, 30 minutes or so from the hospital and he was called back. I felt so alone, I had no one to cuddle, my lovely family had driven up from wales to take care of Miss. Poppins, and I so wanted my husband there, my rock in times of crisis. With baby being transverse in position, a section was agreed. All a blur to me. Everyone, in hindsight, looked a little panicky, especially the midwife who had greeted me on arrival at the hospital and was then my named midwife. Fate is a funny thing, as it was this lovely lady, M, who had delivered Joshua, a little over a year ago in a room not far down the corridor. She was so nice and asked that a different midwife could be with me if I prefered, but I wanted her there, she had been so gentle with me when delivering Joshua. 
 
I was whisked down to theatre, husband speedily on way. They needed to act quick, so I needed to be put to sleep. I did not know what was going to be the outcome.... 
 
I woke up, again, all a blur. I saw my sweet husband's face. He was smiling :0)
 
He had got there as they were wheeling my beautiful precious, 3lb 1oz boy out of theatre. He was alive, alive I tell you. I cried for joy Yes he was small, yes we had a rocky road ahead of us in the SCBU, but by jove he was alive and that was the main thing. I am so so, aware now of how precious life is. Boy, girl, big, small, dark, blonde, it does not matter. To have a baby born, alive, well, breathing, warm, is the greatest JOY on earth.
 
Here is my photograph for the gallery, my gift, my joy, my love, my little man. A photograph I took, when he finally come home. Aged 44 days.
 

 

 
 
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